The Skeletons in Tim Walz's Closet

He may look lovable, but beneath his affable exterior, Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz is a man haunted by his sordid past. Here are the 10 most shocking allegations against him:

1.    On one notorious occasion in 1994, Walz is rumored to have returned a “Sleepless in Seattle” video to a Minneapolis Blockbuster despite forgetting to rewind! Unkind!!!

2.    Governor… or lawless anarchist? Walz occasionally allows his dog “Scout” on the furniture!  Try that at Kristi Noem’s house and see what happens. She has rules!  Just ask her dog, Cricket. But don’t expect a reply.

3.    As a football coach, “Woke” Walz participated in a scheme in which all the seniors on the varsity got on the field for at least one play on senior day, even though some of them WEREN’T VERY GOOD!

4.    “Governor Leadfoot” was once spotted driving 38 miles per hour in a 35-mph zone!

5.    When motoring, Walz’s hands are not always at the 3 and 9 position.  Almost unbelievably, he has been see taking one hand off the wheel entirely, in order to recklessly wave at his neighbors.

6.    He’s not as folksy as he makes out. Amazingly, he does NOT own a mandolin.   

7.    He doesn’t ice fish often. Worse, he’s been known to ice fish while sober!

8.    According to several aggrieved Lutherans, Waltz once brought store-bought potato salad to a church potluck.

9.    He clapped so hard at his daughter’s middle-school graduation that she said, “Oh, Dad” in a mortified voice. 

10. For all his so-called liberal credentials, Walz once laughed at some of Al Franken’s jokes.

Sounds like this Minnesotan is more monster than man!  Thanks, but no thanks! 

This list is the creation of a human author, and definitely not the product of a Russian AI troll farm.