The New York Times recently released its list of “52 places to go in 2024.” But more important is the list of where NOT to visit this year.
1. Pyongyang, North Korea - Unquestionably the “best” city in North Korea, it is unfortunately, still a city in North Korea. Don’t listen to Dennis Rodman. Avoid!
2. Sa’ada, Yemen – Much to the chagrin of their tourism bureau, the Houthi motto is “God is great, Death to America, Death to Israel, Curse on the Jews, Victory to Islam.” Efforts to change it to “Yemen is for Lovers” have been met with violence.
3. San Francisco, CA – Don’t like poop and needles? You won’t like San Francisco!
4. Lake Natron, Tanzania – with a PH balance of 10, this lake is either very acidic or very basic, but only chemistry nerds know for sure.
5. Snake Island, Brazil - So dangerous, even Brazilian authorities are like “No… Don’t go there.” Why do they forbid visitors? The name is a pretty big clue.
6. Caracas, Venezuela - The US State Department has issued a “Level 4 travel advisory” for all of Venezuela. That’s only because there is no “Level 5.”
7. Port-au-Prince, Haiti – Wracked by Hurricanes, earthquakes, crime and crippling poverty, the worst part of Haiti is the not-insignificant chance of running into Sean Penn.
8. Newark, NJ – You may not be able to avoid the airport, but by all means stay the hell out of the city.
9. Pasadena, CA – The NYT had this on their list of places to visit. They were wrong. Boring, smoggy and yet somehow convinced that people still care about the Rose bowl parade, Pasadena is as exciting as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
10. Your Ex’s house – There is nothing there for you here, only pain. And a very cringey moment if, God forbid, you’re spotted outside. Let it go.
11. Mount Sinabung, Indonesia - It’s not just a mountain… it’s an active volcano!
12. Burning Man – Tech bros, hippy chicks, sunburns, and smelly sex. Great if you like seeing old men shirt-cock their way around a desert. But no one actually likes that.
13. Fukushima, Japan - Nuclear reactors and Tsunamis don’t mix. Avoid for several hundred more years.
14. Danakil Depression, Eritrea– 3.2 million years ago, this was the home of “Lucy,” the Australopithecus. Now the former cradle of humanity is the hottest place on earth. Wracked by volcanic eruptions, civil war, and banditry, it’s fit only for salt mining and dying.
15. Hartford, CT – Formerly “The Insurance Capital of the World,” Hartford is a shell of its former, not-particularly-exciting, self. Somehow ranked “the second-most walkable city in Connecticut,” it’s also the most dangerous… so you may want to think about running instead.
16. Mailu Suu, Kyrgyzstan – A uranium mining town with all of the health and safety precautions you’d expect from a former Soviet state, Mailu Suu is bleak and depressing on a good day… invaded by 15-foot-large radioactive ants on a bad one.
17. The Hollywood Walk of Fame – Look, it’s an obscure celebrity’s name on a star! And now a smelly man in an Elmo suit is demanding money so you can take a picture with him. Don’t try to talk your way out of it. Elmo can and will throw hands. Furry, filthy hands.
18. Paris, France – Great city, if you like people being snooty to you just because you can’t speak their stupid language.
19. Paris, Texas – Infinitely worse than Paris, France… if only because you actually can understand what these cretins are saying, and it’s all about high school football.
20. The Donbas, Ukraine – Constant drones, incessant artillery barrages and the harrowing screams of the wounded makes it very hard to get a good night’s sleep. Also, most walking trails are heavily mined. Be aware… the Russian occupied side is even worse.
21. North Sentinel Island, India - This is the place where the natives haven’t progressed from the stone age and hurl spears at any visitors. On the bright side, annoying missionaries are all slaughtered instantly.
22. Times Square Ball Drop – No, God. A thousand times, no!
23. Cape Town, South Africa – Unfortunately, not a town devoted to decorative flowing capes, instead it’s a crime-riddled hellscape. The beaches are beautiful, but to set foot in the water is to lose it immediately to a great white shark. The accent makes everyone sound like a super villain.
24. Los Angeles, CA – Are you a “10?” Not an “Ohio 10…” but an honest-to-goodness, “movie 10?” Be honest. You’re not. If you’re just a “9,” you won’t like it here. The town is lousy with “9s” waiting tables. However, if you’re a rich “2,” you should do fine.
25. Acapulco, Mexico – Former port of call of the Loveboat, home of world-famous cliff divers, and the terroir of “Acapulco Gold” cannabis… now, it’s just a place to get your head chopped off by the Cartels.
26. Atlanta, Georgia - If you visit Atlanta, plan to spend most of your time on I-285. If you ever do get to where you’re going, it won’t be that great.
27. Tbilisi, Georgia – Best known for its centenarians fueled by yogurt, Tbilisi is not a vacation hotspot. The railway to the top of Mount Mtatsminda puts the “fun” in funicular. But that’s still not very fun.
28. San Diego Comic Con – Nerds!!!
29. Nassau, Bahamas – A popular cruise destination, passengers to Nassau can expect to disembark, immediately get mugged, then return to the ship and get Norovirus.
30. The entire state of Iowa – Monotonous countryside filled with even more monotonous people. Pro Tip: reverently referencing Dan Gable will buy you time to escape.
31. Your buddy’s first Improv Show/Open Mic – experts differ on which is more painful, bad improv or bad stand up. But both are to be avoided. The only thing worse would be an open-mic poetry slam, but presumably no one needs to be told to skip that horror-show.
32. Scranton, PA - There’s a reason why “The Office” is set in Scranton. It’s not because it’s super cool.
33. Stone Mountain, GA – This horrifically ugly bas-relief sculpture of three Confederate traitors looks like it was designed by a racist ten-year-old with access to dynamite. Only go if you’re an active Klansman.
34. Wuhan, China – Sure, wet markets filled with all the fresh pangolin you can eat sound great… but not when they’re located next door to Infectious Disease research facilities.
35. Disneyland/World – No one knows which one is in California and which one is in Florida. It doesn’t matter. They both suck.
36. Your Rural Hometown – You left it for a reason. If you return, you will immediately remember why.
37. Washington, DC – It’s mildly interesting, in the same way that watching a dog eat its own vomit can be fascinating. Remember: if you take a tour of the Capitol, make sure that it’s actually a tour, and not a violent insurrection.
38. Kolkata, India – There’s a fine line between “exotic” and “horrifying.” That sweet fragrant smell…? It’s not some marvelous fruit. It’s a dead body floating in the Ganges.
39. Phoenix, AZ – Hot. Trafficky. Populated by the elderly and the reverse-mortgage salespeople who prey upon them. Nothing is good about Phoenix except the Haboob dust storms that threaten to erase it from the earth.
40. Chernobyl, Ukraine – Watch the HBO series instead.
41. Boston, MA – Imagine hanging with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, but they weren’t famous or handsome or smart or talented. Instead, they just talked about sports and Dunkin’ Donuts, then started fighting over nothing.
42. Philadelphia, PA – You ever wonder what would happen if the horrible people who lived in Boston somehow became worse? Welcome to Philly.
43. Ireland – Just go to Boston. It’s cheaper.
44. Moscow, Russia – Red Square is cool. You’ve seen it in movies. For now, let that be enough, because it’s a short trip from Moscow to a Siberian gulag. Just ask Brittney Griner.
45. The Hague – Is it in the Netherlands? Or in Holland? Or are those places somehow the same? Don’t bother figuring it out. Everyone in the Netherlands is tall and rude. Unless you are over 6’10”, they will view you as a freakish dwarf worthy only of contempt. Pass.
46. Coachella Music Festival – Will it be unbearably hot? Or bone-shatteringly cold? Answer: Both! It’s in a desert! Add insane traffic, apathetic crowds, and windborne-dust illnesses and now you’re starting get the picture! Also, you WILL get Covid again.
47. Graceland – Imagine a 24-year-old man falling in love with a 14-year-old girl, becoming addicted to drugs, then eventually dying on the toilet from opioid-related constipation. Do you want to pay $50 bucks to see his house?
48. Your Ex’s Wedding – She invited you to prove that she was the bigger person and that you could still be friends. Don’t call her bluff. You can’t.
49. Las Vegas, NV – Those casinos didn’t build themselves. You’re going to lose, and lose big.
50. Salt Lake City, UT – Ever wonder what a theocracy would look like if it were established in the United States? Now you have your answer. It’s clean. But it sucks.
51. Mt. Everest – If you wanted to see an icy trail lined with corpses and human feces, you could go just go to Chicago. Skip it!
52. Gaza – Duh.
Stay safe out there!
That’s why I had to leave LA. Only an “Ohio 10”.
Great…I had to google shirt cock. That will do wonders for my Facebook ads.